First and Foremost

This is always so awkward, the starting point, the beginning. I hate trying to figure out what to say to get the ball rolling. So I guess I'll just start rambling and go from there...
I have changed. So much, in so many ways, I am a new person. It started in December when my mother found out that she was not going to be living much longer. That started a whole train wreck in my mind. I've had to step back, to focus, to really decide what is important in my life. I've taken stock of what I have, what I want. And it's become soooo simple in my mind that I'm amazed I never saw it before.
What I have discovered is what every self-help book and be-a-better-person seminar has been preaching for years. To really see what is special in your life, focus on the "good things". All this worry about bullshit; money, bills, work, social drama. I am done with it all. Money is not my life, I will not allow financial problems to run my life. Work cannot be all I think about anymore. Social drama is just out. It's stupid fucking crap that ends up getting me so wrapped up that I cannot even think about anything else.
What is important to me now is simple. My friends. My family. My soul. That's it, that's all there will ever be and that's what I need to concentrate on.

My Friends:
They are really what drives me. I am such a social person, my friends are closer to me than the vast majority of my family. I really, REALLY don't know what I would do without them.
Ryan is first and foremost, my closest friend and legally family now :) He is my driving force, my biggest fan and biggest frustration, my everything. I literally do not know what I would do without him in my life every single day, I need him there. And I thank the Goddess all the time that he is really good sexually...that is a definate plus!!!
Meghan is my sister, my forever coven-mate (even without a coven). She is who I know that I can always depend on in ANY situation. She has stood by me through all the shit since 5th grade and I will never forget that. Memories like that cannot be replaced. We have grown up together, loved together, hated together, done it all. Like I said, she can't ever be replaced.
Erin is an old friend who I have deeply missed for years. We were very close in middle school/high school and have been through alot together. I have never in my life had a friend who I felt was as much like me as she is. Religiously, sexually, mentally, "horsely", everything. We have such similar views on everything and so many shared interests that is is really insane. I can't tell you how happy I am that we have reconnected and I so hope that we can continue to grow as friends and get back to where we were.
Jeannine is very close to my opposite, so it's wierd that we are so close. We have hge amouns of respect for each other, regardless of our differences. We've had some intense conversations and some very, VERY wild times. Great memories! And now she's a mother, so we are growing our families together. I always know she's there for me!
And then there's Nate. I don't even know what to say about him. He's insane, wierd, fucking out there...and I love it. I get him, he gets me and that's all there is about it. He makes me laugh when noone else can. He's there to listen when I need it. He's got the coolest kid in existance (though she won't be his anymore when I steal her muahhahahaha)/
My Family:
I really don't want to talk too much about my family for personal reasons. I'm not very close to alot of them (I have alot of family members), but there are some that influence my life on a daily basis.
My mom and I are very close, I talk to her all the time. It sucks that she lives so 300 miles away. She is an amazing person, and I strive to be (somewhat) like her. However, she is a complete technophobe, so I will respect her and limit my internet talk of her.
My father is, well, my father. We don't exactly see eye to eye most the time, but that's okay cause I think everyone needs a "devil's advocate" in their life. He is going through some shit right now and I will stand by him, no matter how tough it gets.
I have four brothers: Zeth (almost 18), Kody (14 on the 16th of Aug), Ryan (12, I think) and Justin (almost 10 if I remember right). They are all cool little guys. I'll discuss them all later as well.
I have some awsome exteneded family as well. My cousin Gretchen was in my wedding, we are pretty close. My aunt Lynne is my role model in life, fashion and morals. My aunt Leslie is really fun to party and hang with. My grandmothers are both nifty as shit. I have lots of cool uncles and aunts and cousins. Ryan's family is really cool as well. His mom is the most giving person I've ever met and she also is scary as hell (I wanna be able to be her when I gotta do tough shit). His brother Levi is out there but I think will be a really cool guy when he grows up just a bit.
My Soul:
This is really why I started writing this. I was a little girl. I was thinking about shit that really didn't matter. I cared about how good my house looked, how expensive my clothes were, how good I looked in the eyes of others. I worried about going out so I looked like I had money. I got drunk when people said I should so I'd be cool. I'd say ok to outrageous things just so that I was liked. And as much as all that ended up sucking I am so glad that I did it because of this. It taught me that I am worth more than other people's opinion. I am better than that bullshit. I have seen that this shit is worthless.
My religion is a HUGE part of me. It always has been and how dare I let it slide like it had. How dare I dishonor the Goddess and God by starting to forget who I really am. I am a proud Pagan with a rich past. I am a strong Warrior of the Goddess. I am happy to be who I am and I feel that it is time to move on and really open myself to others in this quest. I am so glad that Erin has stepped back in to my life in order to stand by my side in this.
Artisticlly it is also time to move on. I allowed myself to loose that release. I stopped being creative, stopped putting it on paper in words or picture. I held it all inside and pretended that I could handle it. That was such bullshit and I knew it. I had to let it out. I have to let it out. And I accept that now, I will do so. I promise that to myself.

So basically I have come to a new point in my life, a place where I have to accept what I've learned and use it to move on. All the pain I've experienced, all the bullshit and drama in my life (both mine and outside), all the evil people and harm doers and liars, all the tears and heartache have lead me here. Life is precious. My love is precious. The people who are by my side are who deserve my attention. It's time to focus on what's important. Thank Goddess for what I have and that I have the ability to take advantage of it.
It's a whole new game.